So, I’m in a really pissy mood. Stop reading now if you want pretty niceties, I’m in a rage.
I just got this comment emailed to me:
“Congrats. You live a privileged upper-class American life and are smart enough to appreciate art and design…just like every other blog-writing woman on the internet. Share something NEW with the masses already.”
& I know some other people have recently gotten “privilege” comments on their blogs. People who make minimum wage, people who struggle with money every day.
Let me make this clear: it is classist to assume someone is from privilege because you think their blog is pretty. To infer that only the upper classes are capable of aesthetiscism is betrays a profound lack of understanding of economics and the human spirit.
This comment brought up, once again, how much we are afraid to talk about class in the blogging community, how we revere luxury and share only victorious highlights.
Though overwhelmingly I prefer to keep my personal information private, my background is one of rural poverty. While that is currently glamorized, it’s not really a glamorous thing to live through. Since putting myself through college, I’ve consistently been from the poorest background when I’m in any professional situation, and often in social situations. To attempt to move out of the culture of poverty is to estrange yourself from your community. It’s hard to straddle that line of not fitting back home (and getting constant digs for being “fancy” and “educated”) and not fitting out here in California. It’s hard to reconcile existing in a capitalist environment, it’s hard to constantly struggle with money. It’s hard to be making money (at a nonprofit that works to empower farmers in 3rd world countries) and still in absolute terror that you’re one paycheck away from homelessness. Do I talk about that on my blog? Sometimes, if you notice.
People who have been reading my online presence since 1996 have followed me through several periods of being homeless, being absolutely broke, figuring out selling vintage online to survive when NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON was doing it (with a text only website + usenet boards), and basically pounding the pavement to figure out how to exist as myself in a world that was completely alien to me. I was the first person in my family to go to college, I was openly mocked and ridiculed through college for my economic status. When I got my first “corporate” job, I called my mother in a panic worrying that I couldn’t possibly fit into that world. I spent the first few years sneaking in the back door because I was sure they’d notice I didn’t belong and fire me.
I didn’t see my family for over 6 years because I couldn’t afford to do so.
So yes, I feel a little fucking RIGHTEOUS and pretty fucking ANGRY that people are such petty, ridiculous, cowardly pieces of shit. Are you worried about class and empowerment? GO FUCKING DO SOMETHING TO FIX THE WORLD. Don’t harass people who struggle every day with money, who work 2 jobs, who worry about their families paying for housing and food, and who are now enjoying some iota of success through YEARS AND YEARS of hard work. Because you know what? WE NEVER FORGET CLASS. EVER. NOT A SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
I want pretty things. I want adventures. I want magic. I want to enjoy life and live in a house without people being shot next door. I want to raise babies and not have them worried about money from the time they understand what it is. I want to have a wedding where I can feed my friends.
I know, every second of every day, how PROFOUNDLY and AMAZINGLY blessed I have been, to have had opportunity and scholarships and just the amazing, amazing fact that someone taught me that I could do better, that I could change my life. Blessed that I was taught to live well on very little, to DIY before DIY existed, to grow food and sew and EXIST. Do I wish I could do more to fix the whole world? Yes.
But right now, I need to live my life the way I know best, share what I find inspiring and magical, and focus on what I can fix – because I can’t keep drowning in the sense that I will never, ever be able to afford a house, or afford to have children. I feel incredible, incredible stress around money every day, and it kills me. I don’t want it in my life, but it’s mine, and I carry it like a stone around my heart.
I created this blog as a break, for just a minute, from the tension and stress I feel around money & the tedium of everyday life. It’s focusing on the magic so the magic focuses on me.
I love you.
DAMN RIGHT!
And another thing, to the person who sent the email: the way freedom of speech works is that you can go write YOUR OWN blog, and say whatever you want. I don’t think many people will be reading it, but that’s the glory of the open forum. You can bitch about the elite all you want, but berating an individual blogger for expressing her viewpoint is both cowardly and low. Why don’t you join the conversation rather than being a browbeater?
Also I got my period today and had a profoundly shitty week at work. So um, yeah. & I have a fever.
u rok. ’nuff said.
Perfect. And thank you.
I think everyone should read this. EVERYONE. It’s important for more than the asshole, ignorant, commenter who provoked this post. Honestly, the internet is full of blogs that won’t be to your taste and, if you don’t like them, don’t read them. And if you read them, stop betraying your ignorance and small-minded assumptions about the world in idiot comments.
For what it’s worth, I don’t even know you and adore you for your aesthetic, your smarts, and your spirit. All of which are immediately apparent to anyone who reads around here for more than five seconds.
Pick a big enemy, that will make you grow-so you can take him on.-Puebla oral tradition, Mexico.
also, if you put cucumber in your water, it will help your body absorb the electrolytes better and help keep you hydrated better and help you deal with a-holes. also it’s a prettier way to drink water.
hells yes!
i love a good rant!
Yes. I feel like a weight has been lifted off MY chest. Thanks for saying that.
FUCK YES.
I don’t forget any days what it was like the minute my dad left the comforts of the military, the debt collectors calling daily & learning to lie by age 11, that my mother’s on her second bankruptcy and will still have $40,000 in my student loans to pay off. I’ve been reading you via LJ and now here for years, and I’ve always admired the candor with which you fought through life.
People need to step back from the internet and blogs and take them for what they are.
Oh, and the guilt? God, the guilt. The guilt of hiding your salary from your parents so they don’t make you feel guilty for making something that makes you barely middle class. Not telling them when you splurge on something nice for yourself. People who want to judge others based on a picture can go fuck themselves.
Yeah, I know. & if try to get them something nice my mom gets SO MAD at me.
tamera, I think you know a little from where I come from…so Hell Yeah, right on sister!!
Well, you know, you should probably become a paralegal so you worry less. ;D
I actually think you WIN on weirdest blog comment EVER.
Impeccable!
That was awesome.
The internet is great for so many things… allowing people to be anonymous a**holes is not one them. Here’s what I do if I don’t like a website – I close the browser tab. More people should try it instead of being mean spirited jerks just for the sake of being mean spirited jerks.
Or, you know, start a dialog. “Hey, your blog makes me think you’re upper class. Can we have an open discussion about class privilege and the internet?”
I seriously think she jinxed me. All the bad crap that happened that made me this close to a nervous breakdown a few months ago came right after that. I even went through dark moments where I was like “omg, she’s right”. hahaha.
Noooo! Being a paralegal is NEVER THE ANSWER!!!
Are things getting better now?
not about the paralegal bit, but the part about being so tired of all the juggling and budgeting and worrying about the instability. Yeah, things are better now, but of course, there newer problems. I’m dealing much better with it though. That’s progress, I think, right?
definitely. i need stress management more than i need just about anything.
first time here via ashleyg and well. hell yes.
Feh. That rude comment on your blog reeks of delusional self-loathing. But your blog rant response was great and I hope it helped release some of the pent up anger!
It’s good in that I want to talk about class and money more than I do, and maybe I should! So getting a comment like that is like “oh, right. it DOES need to happen.”
I hope I was not among those mocking you in college. I was totally unaware of class issues then and didn’t notice it going on. I’m sorry that happened.
Thank you.
Having received a handful of hateful comments about my blog, my personal life, and my business, I know the same crazy rage that burns when it happens. A while back I started an anti-hate blogger gang I invite you to join: http://forme-foryou.com/2009/10/anti-hate-blogger-gang.html
Lately I’ve been hearing more and more terrible stories like that which make me want to do something bigger than just a post, logo, and tagline. Like hunt mean people down and punch them? Just kidding. Something though. No one deserves hateful things said to them that someone would never dare say to your face.
Rage on, girl. But hopefully the good comments make up for the bad and you know how worthless whoever said that to you was.
“Not so upper class I wouldn’t shank you if you said it to my face!” was basically my first response. Haha.
The comment itself didn’t bother me as much as the concept of it as a reflection of the VAST class gaps in lifestyle blogs – obviously most of us are not Sea of Shoes or whatever the heck – the medium is so steeped in capitalism and visual expression that we forget to check in about what that means? If that makes sense? It does bother me to contribute to this frustration and expectation around how we live, but I do think one can live gorgeously without $$.
Now, if only someone could teach me how to NOT BE SO STRESSED OUT@!!*(^!&!
Also that was basically unintelligible.
1. Pretty blog posts can make us feel sad about our lives
2. How do we make them empowering
3. Because it’s nice to be surrounded by beauty
4. & not stressed out
5. because money is crap and the world is totally unequal
i want to plaster your #1-5 list all over.
ridiculously simplistic, but come on. this shit has to stop.
you know what’s interesting? i was ranting to S the other day about how they need to teach classes in high school on how to succeed in the rich man’s world, and S was like “yeah right, as if The Man wants you to know how to play the stock market or understand the gold market.”
so there’s this sense of – we’re suddenly and unbelievably exposed to the inner workings of the EXTREMELY rich, and some people try to emulate that, and others just go on making their lives beautiful, but there’s this expectation that it’s, you know, uppity to try to rise above your station in life through beauty.
the fuck?
ALSO (i just wont shut up!) that by having poor people learn which fork to use and which champagne to drink and which diamond to buy UNDERMINES the very SOCIETAL MARKERS the rich use to define STATUS.
which is why Cristal hates hip hop references.
This which fork to use and suff are found in Miss Manners books if you’re interested. A lot of that kind of stuff, though, really really belongs to the socially-climbing middle class. Manners are too easily accessible to function well as a class marker, especially in the US where there’s not really an aristocracy. It’s more about stuff that’s actually expensive, like a home in the Hamptons or tennis lessons or whatever.
I don’t actually know how it works in the UK because posh people here are the most annoying people on earth and I don’t have any for friends, as far as I know.
But it DOES serve to oppress! It is too easy to feel embarrassed and “lesser” in restaurants or shops because you dont know how to use the forks!
The UK, the UK. I can’t even begin to fathom class there.
Of all the comments I could make to this most amazing post EVER…
I totally don’t know how to hold a fork. I feel like an orangutan in restaurants. People stare at me as I try to cut meat.
It *is* awful.
There are a lot of us out there who’ve had to claw our way to stability and happiness, and remember the beauty along the way. Don’t let them crap on you, those who are jealous.
Schmoooooo!
I know, forks are just a tiny example, but a big one as far as feeling like you are “passing” in society. It’s so integrated into my reality, I am only now breaking out of it.
The forks and “passing” reminds me of how terrified I was before the Eli premiere. I mentioned it a bit in LJ and tried venting/discussing with friends and got a lot of “ugh I can’t believe you’re COMPLAINING about this!” while in my head, I’m thinking “I was the dirty kid who used to steal the neighbor’s water in the middle of the night when our well ran dry. I do not belong on a red carpet.”
I broke down in dressing rooms, hyperventilated before booking hair and makeup, and spent my first several minutes on the red carpet thinking “Someone is going to know I’m in a $20 polyester skirt.” While I was spending my time thinking it was all so weird and I wasn’t supposed to be there and I’m going to walk wrong, look wrong, say the wrong thing, I had friends/acquaintances making catty remarks about how I must be so spoiled to be complaining about such things. So many people don’t get how difficult it is to straddle two worlds, to be changing someone else’s baby and washing someone else’s clothes and then 24 hours later try to “pass” standing next to America’s version of royalty.
>Share something NEW with the masses already.
i just love how ridiculous and demanding this is – like it’s your personal responsibility to please the masses or something. it’s your blog! good grief… and while i kinda get that blog culture is over-saturated with niceties to the point of boredom, you are one of the few that actually include the honest grumps (although i do miss getting the real deal in locked posts! but that’s what email is for i guess).
I know, not to mention that how many other blogs out there are almost 100% just photos of life and not products/etc?
I promise I’ll get crankier on here. Locked posts are good too, though when I read back through LJ I’m like “whoa, simmer down, little crazy.”
Bravo. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood, but we were the poorest on the block, and was mocked by other kids for not having the latest and greatest. Even as a young adult I didn’t have a lot (and still don’t), even though I was thankful for the things and opportunities I did have and continue to cross my path. Just because I like pretty things and blog about them doesn’t mean I’m rich and have a disposable income (I don’t). I’ve made life choices about how to live and sometimes that means struggling. Love you for being so honest and open and determined–you’re awesome.
♥ Casey
blog | elegantmusings.com
Righteous.
Love it, and I suddenly (though this is my first time visiting your site) love you.
thank you.
some cowardly person out there is probably just bitter and insecure that other people can recognize and distill beauty from everyday life in spite of very real, mundane struggles. yours is one of the few ‘pretty’ blogs that i read, because i know it comes from a place of conscious choice, to portray everyday magic without succumbing to all the daintiness-overkill or conform to consumerist ideas of what beauty even is. i know that’s convoluted. i’m sorry you had to deal with something hurtful like that when it probably doesn’t even have anything truly to do with you. my background isn’t exactly the same as yours, of course, but i can relate. i ‘relate’ every day, heh.
get up, stand up! i feel you on this through and through.
much love & respect.
Thank you so much for this response. I had a freakout about this very concept a few months ago; I just got so confused about how myself and others represent our lives online. I want to post your above 5-point comment by my computer! So good.
We are living our lives for ourselves, sometimes in a public way. Those lines can get murky and people get fussy, myself included. How to witness other’s people’s beautiful lives/homes/interpretations without getting green with jealousy, and just being excited that there’s beautiful stuff out there? That’s the trick. You are awesome and reading this has been super helpful.
Yeah, and I think that’s really the crux of what’s happening here.
Of course I recognize the frustration in the original comment – who wants to be faced with a wall of seemingly inaccessible lifestyle blogs?
I know I read a (very) few blogs from people with what appears to be extreme privilege, and while I get pretty jealous, I also try to distill what I want from it (it seems relaxing, sybaritic, escapist) in a way that IS accessible to me, without breaking the bank or going into debt.
I don’t always succeed, and I get caught up in the bullshit. But we have to acknowledge that the extreme upper class is the minority, and we’re here together!
i love you.
i am sorry that you had to deal with such a shitball email, but this (everything you shared with us about yourself)is awesome.
i used feel so incredibly shameful of my ridiculously crooked teeth (growing up with 8 siblings, almost no visits to the dentist followed by being, until 2 months ago, insurance-less in my adult life)that I built a ridiculous wall of shyness to protect myself.
my blog was/is one of the few things in life i felt proud about and has helped brake that wall of shame down.
it was a place i could share things without people instantly judging me because of my horrid teeth.
so i totally get you feeling outraged when here comes this person to judge you having no basis whatsoever. LAME
thank you for writing this.
It’s true! The internet is supposed to be equaling, right?
It’s funny, from your blog I wouldn’t have imagined you as shy. Thank you for sharing!
I am always amazed at how stupid people can be …
It was a little bit like reading something I could have written, but in a better english.
Love you.
x x x
-m-
Yes, well. Had I written it in French it would have been like “Fromage fromage, bonjour, voila!”
(Thanks, bebe!)
haha !
Maybe “fromage fromage” is the only answer that stinker would have deserved !
x x x
-m-
If I ever set out to write a post like this, it would be a mess. Many props to you for writing an amazing and rather eloquent rant. There’s no need for such salty little comments, especially IGNORANT salty comments. Thank you for fighting back and thank you for your inspiring story.
What an absolute load of malarkey. Self-righteous, soap-box baloney. I don’t understand why people spread their unpleasantness, I really don’t.
If this individual feels this way… well, good grief. There’s nothing NEW out there anyhow, what does she want from you? It’s all been said or done before. What a freaking sense of entitlement. Let her figure out this miraculous, life altering new thing and she can blog about it.
Your blog is an oasis of loveliness, and sometimes I feel my blood pressure lowering just by reading through it. Do not take this person’s vitriol to heart. Tsk, tsk – be gone, little person.
I know, right? Or if she wants something really NEW and LIFE ALTERING she can FUND MY LIFE so I can put some work into it, instead of posting tiny bits of my life experience inbetween the mind-numbing 9-5!
Ugh, that comment is infuriating! One of the many things that really got to me was this idea that you owe this person anything, like it is their right to demand you talk about xyz just…..because? AND, the totally reductive idea that ‘pretty stuff’ all us silly women online like to talk about, because obviously it’s all our silly upperclass lady minds can handle. That and directing the servants. Or the flip side of this thought, that everyone who isn’t upperclass doesn’t have an appreciation for beauty or that it is something too frivolous to think about if you’re nor upperclass and white. How insulting.
The amazing thing to me is, that this person could have been in the position to start a really great and needed dialogue around this very topic. But instead chose the cowardly route of a random attack thats meant to….what? Show that they totes know about class and stuff. The only thing it serves to do is to hurt and anger you, if this person wants anything constructive to happen or for change to take place then this is exactly the wrong way of going about it. Of course, this is also assuming that they have any idea what they’re talking about in regards to you in particular which they most obviously don’t.
The whole idea of class and capitalism, and figuring out how the hell to live within (and hopefully change) a system that I feel so idealogically at odds with is something I constantly struggle with. I really hope this does jump start some conversations! Thanks and good on you for calling this person out.
I feel really strongly about all of this and I’m really glad you’ve opened this space to discussion Tamera. Every once in a while I receive an e-mail or a comment that is so sweet but also horrifying when people write that they envy my life or that my life is more beautiful than their own. I’m not even sure how to broach how that makes me feel. It’s really problematic when the things you do almost suggest a monetary value (i.e. going to Paris) but not really wanting to reveal the reality of working shitty jobs just to pay for school and other expenses. I’ve surprisingly never received a nasty comment on my blog (I’ve expected one for so long, I nearly wince every time I open my e-mail), but I have felt misinterpreted. Which sometimes makes me feel that I have misguided people by not being entirely honest. It’s such a fine line to balance, maintaining the privacy you deserve and wanting to share the reality of your situation so you aren’t mistaken. And for all of that, I still don’t see myself openly sharing facts like I can’t afford to buy dresses or clothes or shoes for a few months because I probably wouldn’t be able to afford my rent or stay in school. I don’t think it’s so much that people don’t want to hear it, but a swarm of blogs represent this rotation of constant acquisition. It’s been a large part of the reason why I don’t read fashion blogs anymore because it usually promotes a lifestyle I want little to no part in. Anywho, thank you for addressing this and showing yourself (yet again) a lovely, inspiring lady.
It’s so unreal to me that anyone reading your blog would see you as anything but a hard working student. I feel like your experience is so charming BECAUSE you clearly are seeing it as someone who isn’t jaded and bored by [things like] Paris, but instead, capture beauty EVERYWHERE you go. Which, I find, tends to be a habit of people who haven’t been given a lot in life. The things you celebrate are often the most simple, but so, so beautiful. Don’t go anywhere, or change, lady!
All the hateration and all the holleration. Why, internet commenters? Why?
I seriously understand where you’re coming from. Having come from a lower class background, I often feel like I’m “passing” in certain social situations. How can people be so quick to judge and so cruel when they do so? It’s even worse out here in the wilds of the world wide web — something about the anonimity of being online makes it okay in their minds to say things to a person that they would never dare say to that person’s face.
The person who sent that nasty email has ended up sparked a truly interesting conversation here, however. I try to stay away from “pretty” blogs, because I take umbrage with the inherent assumption that the path to salvation is through the acquisition of said pretty things. Since when did consumerism become a substitute for feeling whole? What part of ourselves are we seeking in material items? You know, even though I’ve been reading for only a few months, I’ve never felt this sentiment reflected in your blog. But that thing you said up there? About how do we make pretty blogs empowering? I think you may have found yourself a new mission statement.
Thank you for all of this.
I’m definitely grateful for the spark! Of course being aware & “acquiring” beauty isn’t ALL that’s empowering, but we do, as humans, respond and calm and feel serene in beautiful serene places.
The assumption that beauty == upper class is so, so telling, and really does show that there is something powerful in making a beautiful life accessible. Feeling that one has space for more than just day to day primal survival is what makes us conscious beings!!!
Amen. You said it a million times better than I ever could. I certainly know the feeling of being alien — I don’t even talk about my heritage on my blog because I have some weird fear that people will look down on me for being the child of immigrants from an impoverished country (my father didn’t own a pair of shoes until he was 14, and when we would go back to visit we would be hailed as “rich foreigners” who brought cartons of cigarettes and used clothing to distribute in my parents’ respective vilages). People who throw out the word “privilege” in such a haughty way need to shut the fuck up.
Not neurotic AT ALL. Of course I don’t mention my background in my posts – I was made to feel embarrassed of it CONSTANTLY (You know who’s the worst? Ex-boyfriends moms. WHY?) & I’m still not comfortable with it. When kids leave home and decide to be punkhobos I’m like “whoa, luxury!” because the fact that anyone would CHOOSE to be poor blows my mind.
So many blogs are like YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YAY and you know what? I DON’T BELIEVE THIS. I just don’t. Shit happens, the world is totally unequal, people don’t have the same opportunities, period. No one wants to hear that, so I don’t talk about it. And you know what, it makes me happier to write about the good things in MY life, anyway. If I focused on all that past shit I’d lose my mind.
But it’s there, and it shaped me, and when people make assumptions I fly into a rage!*(&!*^!&!!
Also! What is your heritage? I like your face, lady!
(I realize that my “fear” makes me sound completely neurotic, but after 30 years of being teased and for being condescended to by the rich people my mom cleans for when I would go with her, it comes from a pretty valid place.)
More power to you, powerful woman, for sticking up for yourself and not being afraid to say what you really, really mean. No regrets. Just honesty. Now that’s a woman I’d like to know!
thank you tamera. so well said.
i think you do an amazing job of taking things that ARENT THAT EXPENSIVE inherently and making them absolutely stunning. that is the mark of a true artist. if you have all the materials in the world… well you can still make a piece of crap – but to have nothing and make something as you and many others do… well that is inspiring and why i come back to read and look at your magical world.
Thank you.
True story: one person threw an ACTUAL TANTRUM in a class in college because “SHE MADE THAT OUT OF GARBAGE! SHE SHOULDN’T GET AN A!”
Seriously.
To me there are so many issues here I don’t even know which one to address. But I love this blog post because it’s real. And to be honest, that’s one reason why I’ve been sick of “pretty” blogs lately – just bored with them and feel like they are varnished. I want to know what’s going on in people’s hearts and souls and guts – not merely what’s on their backs and in their living rooms.
But I love blogs that have a prettiness to them and a realness at the same time – and I think your blog does. That’s why I come back.
As far as “class” in America goes – I think I was once upon a time lower middle class growing up, but I didn’t know it. I don’t think I even really comprehended class and ivy league schools and the truly rich until my 30s! But I think class is a fluid thing, and less rigid here in the US and that frankly, to people who are nice and good – noone cares. At least that’s what I’d like to believe.
Class definitely exists in America. I have 2 friends from my town who went to “better” colleges and they really, really felt it the way I did. It was like going to a foreign country.
In my younger years I was probably just too lower class to realize that class exists! Naive I guess… I didn’t learn until later how people judged me based on what college I went to or what care I drive.
College was definitely when it really hit me!
Thanks for being so brave and putting yourself out there. I can’t wait to re-link this and share it next week. So well said.
You’re brilliant. You do what you do with such class and integrity. That’s what matters, not whether you’re rich or poor or living paycheque to paycheque. People who want to make that kind of carte blanche statement about bloggers or any class of people are just myopic dicks.
Also, I think readers should demand editorial integrity from bloggers but as far as actual content goes, fuck off. You’re not a media company, you’re not a news organization, you have no responsibility to publish any kind of content. You can blog what the fuck you like. People who don’t like it can move the fuck on.
well said! so good to get it off your chest. You rock! pfft to nasty commenters, they really are sad, sad people, I hope you deleted them into oblivion.
I wish I could come up with a more eloquent response, but I feel ranty about some things that are not entirely related. But what you’ve addressed here is so important. Thank you.
ranting off tangents is encouraged! that’s how interesting hypotheses are formed!
I hope that all the lovely supportive and constructive comments you have received above have more than offset the sadness and anger caused by that one shitty comment.
Your rant was fabulous, as is your blog. We all need a little bit of escapism.
What strikes me most about this blog post is how well written it is. And how honest you come across. This is the first time I have visited your blog (thanks to Kate Miss who twittered it).
I come from a single mother who raised us out of welfare on her crazy ass self. She fed us eggs & hamburger helper til I couldn’t go near either in the grocery aisles for years. Hell my sister & I still have to fight the idea that eating in the car in a fast food restaurant parking lot is both comforting AND going out to eat. I too was the first to go to College in my family…and I struggle everyday with class, status, power issues. Damn if I haven’t become a self hating white after dealing with the BS I see on a daily basis. Obvs I could go on & on…I too have a fever…but I just wanted to thank you for being so eloquent and right on. Keep it real, girl.
Hi Tamera.
Thank you for coming out, if you will, as having been raised poor. I know it’s challenging to share a bit of personal information that you’ve been taught to regard with shame but seriously, thank you. It’s good to be reminded that it’s NOT something to feel ashamed of – your admission also makes me feel less alone.
I’ve found that nearly every conversation I’ve had or observed on the topic of class involves discussion of the gulf between the rich and the working and middle classes.
I often feel alienated these conversations because I’m not from the middle, lower middle, working or whatever class. I too, was raised poor. Single-wide rental mobile home with railroad tracks running through the backyard poor. We can’t afford the thrift store poor.
And you know what? I’ve only rarely admitted it even now. Because even among my educated and socially aware friends, I’ve always known that I’m largely alone in having that background and as I’m sure you’ve experienced, divulging that information generally results in either a romanticization of small town/farm/country/ghetto/trailerpark/etc life, or a sudden competition of who-was-raised-with-the-least-privelege-and-endured-the-most-hardship that I TOTALLY don’t want to engage in.
My childhood wasn’t bad, my parent’s weren’t neglectful. We were just flat fucking broke.
Well it was more than that. Like you mentioned in your comment about societal markers and the rich not wanting to share that information, because I was raised poor, I was given the life script for poor. I didn’t go to college. It wasn’t discussed in my home other than as “A $50,000 lesson in advanced fingernail chewing and remedial basket weaving” to quote my father. Educated people expect their kids to grow up and be educated as well. My parents aren’t educated, so it was never brought up as an option. Re-reading my high school permanent record as an adult (you can get them! but prepare to get pissed if you do), I learned that I was “untracked” for college after the first term of my freshman year, I assume only based on obvious class indicators as my grades were great. This resulted in me not being scheduled for the right classes to even qualify me for university admission. I was never told, my parents were never told and nobody thought to ask.
Ugh. I’m not trying to be all woe is me with this long ass comment.
My life is actually really fucking awesome now. I’ve worked my ass off and like you, pulled myself out of the script I was given, at the cost of continual class strife with my family (TOTALLY feel you on the gift giving thing) but yeah, I totally get it. People see me as neatly dressed and articulate, conversant and comfortable working in the posh white cube art world and they assume that I was raised with all the privledge in the world which, AUUGGHH.
Thank you for your honesty, for your willingness to share something SHAMEFUL, and for your beautifully written rant. You’re my new hero.
Thank you for writing all that! I did get the “how about beauty school?” guidance counselor, but told him to shove it. Seriously, if I wasn’t such a loud pain in the ass, I would have gotten nowhere. Still, it took me 10 years to finish college. & yes, it was worth it. A degree is cultural capital.
I think we SHOULD all start coming out. Fuck shame! It’s the worst worst worst. I always say if I could do one thing as a parent, it would be to raise a child without the idea of shame.
Beauty school dropout here!
I remember my Mom finding out that had “classed” me at school as a “flatlander” which in Berkeley means you don’t live in the hills. She was SOOO pissed/mortified, but didn’t help me fill in the gaps.
I didn’t even know you could get student loans to pay for college until I was 30 and it was too late
The KNOWLEDGE is seriously so so huge, it took so much research and time on my side to do it – I can’t imagine growing up where it was expected. I gt oddly jealous and crazy when people mention their moms, in the 70s, going to Ivy League schools, it’s so, so beyond my reach of reality.
It’s insane that schools class kids, I guess I never thought about it. Argh!!!
Also, a flatlander is a non-Vermonter. Amusing.
wow, this entry and all of the comments are really moving and important, and although the original commenter is obviously a very petty, shallow, and insecure person — in a way i am glad it sparked this debate. it really hits home for me in a lot of ways, when i was growing up in new mexico we had nothing, and then when i moved to texas with my dad, i was suddenly flung into this middle-to-upper middle class situation that i was a complete alien to.
i think there is no shame in showing the beauty in our lives and being proud and happy and thankful for it. i think everything you post here is inspiring and happy making and the fact that anyone would try to shame you for it is ri-fucking-diculous.
and please talk about this sort of stuff more, if you want to. i think all the comments prove that its something on a lot of our minds.
big hugs and love.
I had tears welling in my eyes reading this. This is real, this is life. I can’t commend you enough for this post. I too has not only shared good things on my blog but the downs as well in hopes of sharing what really is out there. My small family of three barely make it by the grace of God and by the grace of my parents whom we live with. I understand so much of this but what I don’t understand is meanness from others. Seriously, if you have nothing nice to say don’t even bother. It’s pointless. Don’t spread negativity, nothing good comes from that. Keep your dissensions (and jealousy too most likely) to yourself and try to make yourself a better human being…
I LOVE RAGE! And I especially love Eloquent RAGE! Thank You Tam!
I don’t know exactly what background you came from, but from your inspirations I think we may have come from somewhat the same place- woodsy/ back to the land/ blue collar hippies? Anyway, I thank my parents forever for not letting me know as a child that I was poor, and I hesitate to even call us poor, because we had all we needed, even if it was second hand. Other children, on the other hand, always see that differently. Fuck em.
Internet anonymity brings out the beast in people. It is brave to put yourself out there, I stopped blogging when I realized how hurt the vicious comments made me. It’s hard not to let it get you down, do thanks for your bravery and your rage.
That person wasn’t interested in opening up a dialogue; s/he just wanted to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. Gee, what a noble cause that is.
I grew up in a struggling blue collar household too, which I still am hesitant to talk about in certain company. If some jerk came to my blog and called me a shallow, privileged upper class idiot because I said I liked a set of curtains I’d seen in a shop, or a pair of shoes, I’d go ballistic.
Love & magick always and forever Tamera! Keep ushering in the Golden Age…we’re almost there!
All Love,
xo Lavona
I wish we could meet and have tea and talk, lady.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I’ve been peeking at your blog for a couple months and the lovely photographs and stories are often a small highlight of my day. I am still at a point in my life where I am struggling to get where I want to be. I don’t feel put upon because of this, it just is. Life is too short to dwell on what we don’t have. Never ever ever while reading your blog did I feel like I was being faced with some snooty upper class experience. I know that beauty is not inherently connected to wealth and I never felt a class disconnect while reading your stories. I really wanted you to know that your blog has been nothing but loveliness, inspiration, and delight for me. I have seen some beautiful places I’d never even heard of, been re-acquainted with past loves (musicians, places), and have generally enjoyed sifting through so much eye candy. It’s impossible for me to imagine that any person could see your blog differently, it’s too bad that some people can’t just appreciate the beauty and get on with their life. I’m confused as to why your commenter thinks you have a responsibility to them or anyone to blog about anything other than exactly what strikes your fancy. You are not a news organization for hell’s sake! Thanks for the prettiness and overall fabulous-ness and keep it coming, I love it!
Tamera, this was a really moving post… thank you for being so open, and I agree with the others, the debate that the petty comment sparked was wonderful to read and I hope, worth the pain and anger for you.
And I totally want to have tea with both you and Lavona.
you outweighed in intelligence, eloquence and maturity.
and look at the response…i’d say you took those negative words and squished them into a million pieces.
The response made me cry and cry! It’s really amazing.
I’m sorry I’m commenting so late on this. I read it while in the car and kept saying yes, exactly, yes out loud while reading. But I was unable to comment on my phone. And then when I got home, I wanted to give it some proper time for another read before I commented.
This post is so awesome on so many levels. On standing up for yourself to an anon, to your personal story, to your discussion of class on the blogs, and your ideals of beauty that don’t have to cost tons of money. I think the possibility of opening up a place for a serious discussion of class is a very bold, brave, very much needed concept. However it’s got to be a huge land mine. But I think you are a very intelligent woman who could do it if she wanted to. You don’t have to, but I want you to know that you have the kind of vision who could make it work.
I love your blog and all its original content. You take beautiful pictures, write very serious words, and obviously work your ass off to get to where you are. I haven’t known you virtually for very long, but in this short time, I have to say that I really like the woman I’m getting to know. Keep creating stimulating, inspiring, and fearless posts. I will always come back here for more.
I had to think about this for a while. Because comments like the one you got make me really angry. And beyond their implication, what bothers me the most is the expectation that you owe something to someone. You don’t. I mean, other than basic human decency and not posting anything mean and vile and hateful, you really don’t owe anything. It’s your personal site and the great thing about blogging is that it’s mini-journalism that allows us to curate the publication of our dreams. If the angle is political – great! But if the angle is just to write what you know and enjoy, and keep it magical – also great. We can say we blog for others, and to the extent that we have a readership, yes, we do, but ultimately blogging is a very personal pursuit that we simply lay out for others to enjoy.
So that’s one of the reasons why I was fuming when I read your post (not your sentiments, dear, you said everything really concisely yet passionately). The other is the implication that someone who has a cultured eye, or finds magic in life, is someone who is an idler of wealthy means. Bullshit. How many incredibly well off people do we know, and of the ones we know, how many weave beautiful stories for others to enjoy? Not that many. The people whose beautiful captures of finding joy and magic in life that inspire and surround me are predominantly hard working folks, most of whom barely scrape the line between lower and middle class, particularly when you consider cost of living in some of the urban areas they occupy. A lot of them are either people who had very little in childhood and in their adulthood now work hard to allow themselves the treats that they justly deserve, or immigrated here from another country and had to make a lot of sacrifices (like my family).
I’m not glad you got that comment, but I am glad it pushed you to open up and share your experience, and also got others to share theirs. This also means that anyone who might ever make a similar complaint can be given a swift kick on the arse and pointed in the direction of this entire post & discussions.
xo
Amen sister! You have so profoundly articulated what I have been feeling for so long. Thank you!
I have been in love with your blog from the moment that I found it…and I am so happy that I did! Although it is impossible to ignore, those naysayers and porters of negativity are inevitable…with your words and beautiful photos you really do rise above that swell of discontent…and yes, you provide magic. thank you!
Even if you weren’t a pioneer in selling vintage online, or in DIY pursuits, there’ still no good reason to make assumptions about your background, your socioeconomic status, or your motives for blogging.
There are many small-minded people out there, and even more who look for excuses to vent their frustrations in places on the internet where they do not have to face those they “attack”.
Shirk the negativity and know that being yourself is the most important thing you can do, regardless of how much is in your bank account, or how much education you have, or don’t.
I hope you have a good week.
Louise
wow, that fuckster sure opened up a can of worms. i really loathe the cowardice of anonymous comments. you’re writing HOT as my friend says.
and as ever your eloquence sings off the page. goodness, you’re such a talented writer. your blog is your place for sharing what you will, and i come here because i love the way you view life, that you are grateful for what you have, that you make magic come into your life and that you send it back out twofold. you were so sweet and amazing to me when i was having a horrible time and i will never forget that.
but oh god, the issue of class. there is little wealth or privilege in my family. money has always been a source of anxiety. however, i went to university, i applied for hardship grants to pay my rent and buy my art materials. after i finished i took out a big loan so i could do an internship in italy. nothing has come easily and now i have my own family, we don’t have spare any money at all, and i too feel the panic tightening my chest quite regularly.
keep up the good fight, look at your army of fierce supporters.
i’m so late to this, but i wanted to say something. for many reasons, including my economic/class background i’ve always felt growing up, and now as an adult, like i was a like a feral child stumbling out of my comfort zone into a world i don’t understand, with people i cannot relate to. it’s been a constant struggle with feelings of “not good enough” for my sisters and myself, especially now as we branch out and try to make our own way with what we were given. you’ve written about this before in the past, and i hope i was able to tell you then how much it meant to me for someone to speak about it so honestly and intelligently, from what i know is a very raw place. everyone has said it all so much better, so this is just me saying thank you, tam. i can’t tell you how much you’ve played a role in the last few years in making it that little bit easier to accept that i am “okay.”
you are brave. you are you AWESOME. i’ve so been enjoying reading your blog since anna wrote about you on hers. i hate that someone wrote that to you, but, your response (and the comments people left on it) has helped me understand the world a bit better.
lots of love
xo
Speaking of class, poverty and magic – I wonder if you’ve read the book Bloodroot by Amy Green. It reminded me of you and this post – even though I don’t even know you. It’s a quick but exceptionally powerful read.
Thank you for your blog. I am compelled to visit it amongst the myriad “pretty” blogs out there – which speaks to the underlying substance of your contribution (in my opinion).
c
Yes! I love it! Well, not “it”, but that this topic is being brought up. My roommate and I will sit at the kitchen table (ah. as you’ve mentioned, New England style kitchen table gathering!) for hours into the night and talk about how we came up versus how many of our current friends came up and it is kind of mind boggling. It makes me think of transfolks talking about “passing” as their portrayed gender. Like, at any moment someone is going to point and yell, “Hey! She went to state college on a scholarship! Get her!”
Similarly, when talking issues of income and class, a favorite teacher of mine noted, “‘Low income’, not ‘low class”. The people I know making less than 20K a year have far more class than any CEO.”
Yes.
I always feel this weird state of tension, like I live in a liminal space between worlds. Growing up, I felt like my family was right in the middle. I went to school in an area where there were drive-bys every night, and I knew that it my neighborhood there WERE no drive-bys and so I should consider myself profoundly blessed. I never worried about living through the night, lots of other kids did. Cut to college, in New York. My parents were busting their *ss to send me there (because it was never a question that I was going to go to a good school), and I was on some major scholarships, and drawing down some serious loans. I thought that was normal. Until I showed up. It was like I’d grown up on a different planet from these people. I wasn’t even sure what to say, or to do, or what they meant by their jokes and referances. And I’ve lived in that world ever since.
Sort of. Though I’ve been busting my *ss to pay my way ever since. And I’m really glad for that, actually. I think having to hustle to get ahead has developed my very best bits of character. It’s made me brave, for one. It means I know how to survive when everyone else is falling like flies. I’ll do work I hate to pay the bills, because I know someone has to. But. It’s always this just-below-the-surface tension, when you know your passing, and almost no one else does.
Anyway, I think what I wanted to say is that my issue now is guilt. Due to my terror about money and my determination that I don’t want to live hand-to-mouth anymore d*mn it, I’ve actually put some money away. We’re actually doing ok. I look sort of sheet-white and exhausted most of the time, but we’re doing ok. And I can’t shake the guilt. Part of me doesn’t get it. All these kids around me who’ve never had to worry about money a day in their lives, they never feel guilty traveling around the world. But I’ve earned every penny I have, and feel so guilty. Because when I travel and see amazing stuff, I feel like I have to look at it with many eyes. I feel like I have to look at it for everyone back home, who didn’t get this. Who probably will never get this.
Wow, this is only the second post I’ve read here and already I heart you! You are clearly an awesome lady, don’t let the jamokes of the world get you down!
Wahoo! That was awesome. You said it so perfectly! I feel like I’m on fire (in a good way) after reading that!
Just because someone appreciates the beauty and happiness in their life and wants to share it with the world does not mean the opposite does not exist. One does not exist without the other. Thanks for sticking up for those of us who choose to appreciate what we are given and not slump to the mud because of it.